Toddler stand-up.

Tonight, Giggles Comedy Shack in Nyack 
is proud to present Shecky Weeble, the world's first toddler comedian!

Hi, folks! Good to see you all here tonight. Of course, I'm not supposed to be here. It's way past my bedtime, which is probably about the time you all got up today. The manager says to me, "You can't work here! You're too young." I said, "Hey, I'll be 21 soon!" He didn't know I meant 21 months. He asks me, "You been doing stand-up long?" and I'm thinking, "I ain't even been standing up long!"

Boy, the traffic getting here was brutal, huh? No? Maybe you didn't notice it because you didn't have to drive your older sister's Barbie Glam Convertible. Man, fully charged that thing can race along at almost a mile an hour. Really tests your skills. You're like, "Oh no, a fire hydrant dead ahead! I'm gonna crash!" Half an hour later you're still screaming. Then, bonk. The whole process is exhausting.

It's all exhausting, you know, being a toddler. Morning naps, afternoon naps, noon naps... Sometimes I need a nap after all that napping. Thank God for zwieback, man; great little pick-me-up, zwieback. I could mainline that stuff. I'm a zwiebackhead. Hey, can I get a juice box up here? Love this place, two juice box minimum.

I know, my mom tells me I'm hitting the juice kinda hard lately. It was worse when I was learning to walk. Sheesh, what a pain. Stumbling all over, crashing into furniture, falling on my butt all day, clutching the juice -- if a cop had come along I'd have been in big trouble. That field sobriety test is designed to make you fail, y'know. "All right, sir, please recite the alphabet and omit every fifth letter." "Officer, I only know up to G as it is!" Man, doin' time because ya don't know past G.

Well, when you're a baby you're always under the thumb of the Man. Heck, in a way I still am behind bars. Damn crib. But they haven't thrown me in jail yet.

I hear the food's bad in jail, too. Hey, you try any of the food here tonight? Yeah, I recommend the pureed peas. Hits the spot. Pureed carrots on the side, pureed apple for dessert... I wanted a filet mignon but it broke the food processor.

I was saving up for some good adult teeth, you know? Then my dad tells me that you don't buy teeth, they just come along for free, and I'm like, damn that @#*&^ lying Tooth Fairy!

But I'm used to lies. Yep, that's right, got my first girlfriend. Oh, she's the hottest thing in preschool, no kidding. A nursery-school knockout. All the crayons melt when she comes in the room. When she kneads Play-Doh, it's like Serious-Doh. But I don't think it's going to work out. We're from different worlds. She's Waldorf method, I'm Reggio Emilia. She says I'm all hands. It's hard to bridge the gap.

I'm too busy to date anyway. My days are completely full. Get up in the morning, throw Cheerios on the floor. Check. Pull dog's tail. Check. Strip off clothes and run naked out the front door. Check. Flush something inappropriate down the toilet. Checkeroonie. I'm telling you, getting through the To Do list is impossible. And I didn't even get to working on my dinosaur impressions. You think it's easy watching the same episode of Caillou 82 times? Someone's gotta do it.

People think I have it easy, being a preschooler, but it's tougher than it looks. Hey, mister, you ever wear diapers? Oh, you will soon enough, I'm guessing. Let me give you one word to think about: Chafing. The struggle is real, y'all. These pull-ups be killing me.

At least I don't have to go to real school yet. That lasts what, about three years, right? Yeah, you lie as bad as the Tooth Fairy. Lying to a baby... shakin' my head. Well, I have a head start on school, thanks to the educational toys my folks bought me. You know what educational toys are, right? They're the toys you hit with the fun toys. And seriously, what's with the Playskool brand? You know that's Play-S-K-O-O-L, right? What kind of school can't spell school? Is this company from Jersey or something?

Hey, just kidding, I love Jersey. Lots of amusement parks. Maybe one day I'll be above THIS HIGH and can ride something on them except for the kiddie rides. They're almost as exciting as sitting in the shopping cart while Grandma chooses between Metamucil and Benefiber.

Are you all from around here? Where? Queens? Not from normal parents? No, seriously, I'm new here. I'm new everywhere. I'm not from New York originally. No, I came from wherever the stork picked me up. That's what my mom says. My dad says if he sees that stork again he'll blow it out of the sky. I blame my big sister for his attitude. Hey, blaming is what younger siblings do; might as well get started!

Well, I'd like to stay longer, but it's a school night, and we have a big Candy Land final, so I need to cram. I mean, I need to cram some candy into my face. These tests can be rough in preschool. At our Chutes and Ladders midterm, one guy wound up sitting under a desk, sucking his thumb. Yeah, our principal has a lot of issues. But he's got tenure, so no one cares.

Thanks, folks, you've been great! Have some pacifiers, and don't forget to tip the bartender! She gets me milk anytime I ask. Don't you guys try it, though! Good night!