The Right Choice Now.

I'm sure you are all broken up about the bizarre decision of the Nobel Prize Committee to not award a 2018 prize in the field of Literature. I first heard a newsflash about it, that the problem had its roots in the ongoing worldwide Weinstein-sparked sex abuse cases, and it stunned me. I mean, I know authors are despicable creatures by and large, but surely we can't all be creepy Lotharios. Seriously, I can barely talk to female type persons any better now than I could when I was 13. Good thing that one of them decided to put me out of my misery and marry me.

As it turns out, the problem was not that the writers are sexual felons, but the Nobel guys are. Or as UPI put it, "In November, divisions began to emerge when Jean-Claire Arnault, who ran a cultural project with funding from the Swedish Academy, was accused of sexual assault by 18 women.... The Academy said Friday it agrees group practices need to 'evolve,' and it intends to modernize the interpretation of statutes and refresh internal work arrangements and external communication." Or, in other words, we don't want to admit that we had a Harvey Weinstein of our own, but things may have happened, and we want the things to not have happened anymore. So the world's authors are getting hosed.

"Yumpin' Yimminy, is my face red."

I think we all know what the answer to this problem is, and it's not that the Committee award two people the big $900,000 prize in 2019, as has been promised. After all, they and their compadres will be the same sleazebags next year as they are this year, so the underlying corruption won't change. Furthermore, they'll have to be excruciatingly careful not to present an award to an author who is a sexual predator or someone with a history of female abuse---no Norman Mailer types, and for God's sake no more musicians.

So whom does that leave?

You guessed it. Frederick Key: The Right Choice Now.

Certainly I qualify. I'm a human being and I write books. That actually qualifies me more than the non-book-writing Mr. Dylan, who is reported to be human but whose books are just jumbles of his song lyrics. And no one has ever accused ol' Fred of being a predator of any kind. I'm just a lovable chap in so many ways. And a chap that certainly could use 900 large right now, not to mention the boost my books would get from having a major Swedish award bestowed on them. Plus, the Nobel people would get the benefit of having awarded the Literature prize to an actual writer, and double plus, a writer who is less likely than the judges themselves to be accused of any kind of assault.

I'll write two words for you now, Swedish people: Win. Win.

Let's face it: Award-giving people are not very good at giving awards. Nobel Prizes for peace have gone to butchers and liars. Prizes don't go to nice people. Bill Cosby got half a dozen Emmys. Hell, Harvey Weinstein got every award the movie business could dish out, and everyone knew he was a sick and dangerous freak.

Yes, people who give out awards are very bad at doing exactly the thing they are supposed to be good at doing. Just look at this chart:

Nobel people, I'm saying you can change. You can do the right thing. The Fred thing. Fred Key: Nobel Laureate. Take that step, Nobel people. It's the first step on the road to good awards-giving. You'll be glad you did. And so will I.