A twist of Lyme?

So my snow-delayed trip to the doctor occurred yesterday, and I got the results of my bloodwork and even the test where you pee in the little cup. (Not you, me; they weren't testing your pee.) (Unless maybe they were, but I did not get your results.) As you know, if you've been following me this during this pulse-pounding drama -- and a warm thanks to those who expressed concern -- I feared that I might have Lyme disease because we had a lot of ticks around last fall and I've had some symptoms that could be indicative of the disease.

And...

...I don't have Lyme. I don't have anything. I'm healthy as a horse. In fact, horses express envy at my health. My bad cholesterol is a little high, but not enough warrant a statin drug. My blood pressure is okay. My blood sugar is fine. No unusual prostate-specific antigen levels. My liver is singing, it's so good. And I don't have Lyme.

How the hell could this have happened to a guy like me?

Seriously, I've hardly ever taken care of myself. I never played sports, never exercised. I did take up jogging when I was 24, ran with some dedication for a few years, but had to quit because of the knees. (People built like a side of beef are not usually good for running.) I haven't smoked in over a decade, but I smoked for 17 years. I don't drink or drug -- well, not anymore -- but come on. Surely I ought to have something awful wrong with me.

Apparently I do still suffer from depression, at least intermittently, and that's nothing to laugh at. ("Ha ha! Depression!") It could be existential, it could be medical. I sure was down this winter, and full of stress. Nevertheless, I have declined to take medication for it now, but remind me that this came up if I fall into misery again. Medication has helped me in the past. I just don't like the side effects and would rather avoid it if I can.

Also, I can't say there's nothing wrong with me. I have a bad disk that causes me a tremendous amount of pain sometimes. My knees still resent my years of running, and also resent my current weight. Oh, the excess weight. There's aches and pains galore, not surprising since I'm old enough to remember when (noun) galore was a catchphrase. But for those things that usually mean Sudden Death or Chronic Ailment, I am currently free, and very grateful.

Still, it would have been nice to have some illness on which to blame my poor behavior. Others with more noble personalities wouldn't, but I'd be all over that.

I eat cake for breakfast because I have Lyme disease! 

Apologies, officer, but I was texting while driving because of my terrible high blood pressure! 

Of course I robbed the bank; I'm a diabetic!

I'm sorry I called you a stinking dirtbag skank, but that was just the bad cholesterol talking!

I guess I could do that anyway. HIPAA laws, you know. No one knows how unhealthy I might be.