Slidewalk.

We have a local law firm that runs these really cheesy personal injury ads. I'm not going to post the video because they might sue. But I don't have to. If you've lived in the United States since constitutional challenges in the 1970s and 1980s allowed lawyers to advertise, you know what those commercials look like. 

Lawyer [voice over]: Have you suffered injuries? Pain? Injury at work? Contusion? Burn? Do you have cancer? Mesothelioma? Fracture? Ulcer? Bed sores? Concussion? Auto accident? Sports accident? Played with fire? Have you hurt yourself by not reading the manual? Have you suffered a slip and fall? 

[Cheeseball video of some random idiot strolling down a sidewalk, foot on what looks like a microscopic crack; idiot's face in horror as he pretends to fall backward, and yet is somehow shown on the ground nursing a twisted ankle.]

Lawyer: Then call us today. At the law firm of Greef, Sorrel, and Payne, we never stop fighting for YOU. If you've been hurt by anything, we'll get what's coming to you. No fees unless we WIN! Remember, at Greef, Sorrel, and Payne, we'd sue the sun for giving you cancer.

[Lawyers sitting around stuffed into suits, with the name of the firm in large type, their phone number in larger type, and their slogan ("WE'D SUE THE SUN") below that.] 

The preponderance of personal injury lawyers have helped turn us into a people seeking to feed on each other, either terrified of being sued or hungrily looking for a chance to do so. Despite that, though, I have to say that at least where I am, people are pretty casual about how dangerous their sidewalks are in the winter. Maybe all the lawyers live around here. 

We got some ice on Friday, which was made bearable by a light layer of crunchy snow. It was quite navigable on foot, as the snow had plenty of traction. Hardly anyone bothered to shovel or salt. Saturday warmed up and a lot of it melted. And then it refroze. 

Sunday's sidewalks were slick, and treacherous to the two-legged among us. Even worse for the one-legged, I suppose. 

Pictured: Treachery.

The photo is not the sidewalk in front of my house, but mine looked the same. I had expected the melt to continue Saturday, but the clouds kept the sun from really getting the job finished. When I walked baby dog I stayed on the grass, which had not had the same melt/refreeze pattern and still had traction.

I'm not giving out my address, in case Greef & Co. find me. I'll have a mob of idiots practicing their anti-trust falls on my property.

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Pride Goeth Department: I drafted much of the above after my walk with Nipper yesterday. This morning's iteration of ice is black ice. The schools are delayed two hours. I knew it was bad, but it was worse than I thought; I fell like a sack of lead on the driveway while taking big dog out to do the necessary. Of course, sod's law dictated that my idiot neighbor was outside for exactly that ten-second period. At first that irked me seriously; later I decided that it was all right to give him a cheap laugh, as he has so little pleasure in life.

Hey, I wonder if I can get Greef, Sorrel, and Payne to sue me? I'll be rich!