Lessons of KinderFred.

It's been 30 years since Robert Fulghum published his runaway best-seller All I Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. I've never read it, but it was enjoyed by people I respect, so I can't knock it. I don't know how comprehensive the author's kindergarten learning was. I mean, personally, I need to know how to write checks and balance my checkbook, but I doubt that these skills were in the curriculum. Neither, I suppose, were how to drive a car, how to talk to girls after puberty, how to cook a decent meal, how to tie a necktie, how to make yourself get up and go to your stupid job when all you want to do is stay in bed--these are all important things that every man ought to know.

I guess he means lessons like: share your stuff, don't hit, be nice, and so on, the basic building blocks that turn the little savages into rational human beings--or try to. I am reminded, as was perhaps Mr. Fulghum, of Hannah Arendt's famous quote: "Every generation, Western civilization is invaded by barbarians – we call them 'children.'"

As I thought about it I realized there were some important things I did learn in kindergarten, although I'm not sure they would have made Mr. Fulghum's book or its several sequels. 

My lessons include:

• Never get into a fight with girls. If you lose, you got beat up by a girl; if you win--you just beat up a girl, jerk.

• Always make sure you take the right paper bag off the counter in the morning. Instead of your toy for show-and-tell, you might wind up with a sack full of Dad's leftover bolts and pipe connectors for the machine shop.

• When it becomes apparent that they are never going to give you anything but unflavored milk, you'd better learn to choke it down.

• Never snap your fingers at the substitute teacher.

• To talk to the pretty girls, it helps to have a neat parlor trick. Blowing a bubble with your own saliva is an excellent one.

• Use the magic words "please" and "thank you." It's astonishing how well grown-ups respond to them. But you still won't get chocolate milk.

• Being able to sit Indian-style is very important. It may be that this is how the President holds Cabinet Meetings.

• Fifth graders are immense, inscrutable, and dangerous. Don't make eye contact with them.

• Proper crayon etiquette dictates that you share, even if Charlie rubbed his black crayon down to a nub and now it looks like he wants to do the same to yours. Perhaps explain that it's enough to hint that the night sky is black with a little shading. You don't have to color in every inch of the paper.

• Don't worry too much about what you say you want to do when you grow up. It's not a contract; no one will hold you to it.

• Somersaults are cool. So is standing on your head. But socking people in the eye with your foot while doing them is not cool.

• Girls cry no matter what. Get used to it.

• The nap mat you used last year for naptime in nursery school is a thing of the past. So is naptime, for that matter. It's hard, but it's time to move on. No point staying attached to the things of your fleeting youth.

• School is going to bore you stupid sometimes. Learn to distract yourself by thinking of other stuff. It's like talking in your own head where no one else can hear it. This "thinking" thing might really be worth something someday.

• Never miss an opportunity to use the can. You do not want any accidents. Not ever.

• In a similar vein, boogers can be a real social faux pas, although some guys have the chutzpah to use them to their advantage. Unless you are certain that you are in the latter camp, maintain good nasal hygiene at all times. But not in class. No nasal spelunking in public. 

• Most of the time, whatever you want to fight about is not worth it. But don't let anyone ever try to tell you that you will never have to stand up for yourself, that you'll never be called on to let someone have it in spades. Some people need to have the mean knocked out of them.

• Cupcakes are awesome. But if you have too many, you will discover that they taste much better on the way down than on the way up.