A Fish... Out of WATER.

[Series Finale of Bacon's Beat.]

This program contains graphic images and mature subject matter. Viewer discretion is advised.

(EXT: A parking lot at the old abandoned mall. Police are cordoning off the area, some taking photos. Detective Bacon strolls into the lot, sniffing this way and that. The smell of death is in the air, yet again. Bacon knows it's a mean city and it's written all over his face. He approaches lead investigator Peter "P.B." Barilotto, whiskers trembling, eyes riveted on the corpse.)

Detective Bacon: Well, this is a puzzle, right, P.B.?

P.B.: I've known a few fish out of water, Bacon, but this guy takes the cake. Some squirrel found him while running across the lot.

Bacon: Murder?

P.B.: (shrugs) Not sure yet. Cause of death looks like acute asphyxiation, but we're a mile from any substantial water. It's not like he was out for a walk and had a coronary.

Bacon: No. So either he was killed, or someone came on the body and dumped him here.

P.B.: Always hard to tell with these wetbacks.

Bacon: Hey, now---

P.B.: I'm serious! We drybacks get killed and dumped in the river. Maybe this was the reverse.

Bacon: I can't figure on a pack of fish killing this guy and dragging him a mile from the water. It's not like he washed out this far from the banks, you know?

P.B.: You're right. Looks like he just landed here, no sign of dragging or flopping around. Can't be dead more than a few hours.

Bacon: How'd he get here?

P.B.: Maybe was dropped off from a vehicle; we're gonna check out some of these tire tracks.

Bacon: Any I.D.?

P.B.: Why should today be easy?

Bacon: Yeah. I'll get in touch with the chief. We'll contact someone in the aqua district, see if they have any missing fish reports. Where's the squirrel that spotted him?

P.B.: It was an anonymous call to precinct. No name.

Bacon: Figures. I'll see if the tech boys can figure out where it came from.

P.B.: We can't even figure out where he came from!



(INT: Police headquarters, Chief's office, with the chief. A seagull in a black suit stands at the window as Bacon enters.)

Bacon: Chief, I was just gonna call when I got your-- Oh, sorry, didn't know there was company.

Chief: Bacon, this is Special Agent Bronk. I think you two need to talk.

Bacon: Got a hot homicide, Chief.

Agent Bronk: That's what we need to discuss, Detective. Here's my card.

Bacon: EPA? What do the feds want with us?

Bronk: It's something of a... fish story, Detective. Recognize him? (holds up photograph)

Bacon: That's the water-breather we found today. One of yours, Agent?

Bronk: Not an EPA man, but working for us. We lost touch with him two days ago. He was last seen in your neck of the river, Bacon, so when we called here this morning we heard about your corpse. His name was Pesky, Joe Pesky.

Bacon: You should talk to the lead investigator. I assume you're taking over the case.

Bronk: Not at all. You know the area, the waterfront. We don't know if this was a local job or part of something else. I want you to meet the undercover op who was Pesky's contact. She'll fill you in.

Bacon: Where is she?

Bronk: (smiling) Hope you don't mind getting a little... damp, Detective.

(EXT: The waterfront. A mist has moved in, even though it's half past eleven in the morning. Bacon sits on a pylon, looking out at the gray river flowing by. There is a splash, and then a silky voice comes from a figure behind him.)

Flip: You must be the great mouse detective.

Bacon: That's some other guy. You're Agen---

Flip: Just call me Flip, hotshot.

(Flip, a very attractive frog, walks into view; Bacon stands up. His eyes are popping out but he's too cool to show reaction.)

Bacon: A mutual friend says you know a guy named Pesky. Word is he came to a bad end.

Flip: He was asking a lot of questions about pollution dumping.

Bacon: You think that's why?

Flip: Doesn't seem to work. He was asking stupid questions. Pesky was probably the worst asset we ever developed. "Hey, you guys know anything about potential toxic waste?" Moron.

Bacon: Sounds like he asked the wrong person.

Flip: He was too stupid to kill. They just fed him whoppers and he'd come swimming back to me like he'd just snagged a worm off a hook. "It's Toxic Waste from MAAARRRS!"

Bacon: So you think it was coincidence. Someone else did him in.

Flip: Maybe.

(Bacon's phone rings.)

Bacon: Yeah... Right, Chief.... What? ... I'll be right there.

Flip: What's up?

Bacon: The tech boys traced the call from the squirrel that found Pesky's body. A couple of other detectives went to see her. Or what's left of her.

Flip: Let's go.

(EXT: A wooded trail in City Park. Flip and Bacon talking with Detective Bucky; some police nerds and Special Agent Bronk examine a the grounds while medical examiners check the victim.)

Flip: Ew.

Bacon: First corpse?

Flip: Warmblooded, anyway.

Bacon: Hey, Duck!

Flip: (ducks) What?!

(A duck walks up with a cell phone in a plastic bag.)

Duck: He means me, Bobby Duck. This was the phone that called in the stiff, Bacon. 

Bacon: It took half the day to track it down. It took the killer no time. Which means the killer knew this squirrel was the one that saw Pesky. So she must have seen the killer. 

Flip: If it was the same killer, hotshot. 

Bacon: It's a tough town but not that tough, Flip. Cause of death looks like a bullet.  

Flip: Not the case with Pesky. 

Bacon: I have to check with P.B., see if he's been able to determine how Pesky was pulled out of the water. Didn't see any hook marks. 

Flip: Maybe a net? Pulled him out, shoved him in a car, dropped him in a parking lot? Someone had to have seen something. 

Duck: You mean someone besides this squirrel. Louise was her name. Louise Chester.

Bacon: (on phone) Hey, P.B. find anything with Pesky? .... What?! Another call? Where? ... All right. Be right there.

Flip: Not another corpse!

Bacon: I think we may have a serial killer, Flip... and I think I know which one. 

(EXT: Parking lot behind a strip mall. The corpse of a squashed bird is on the ground. P.B. is examining it as Bacon, Flip, and Bronk walk up.)

All: Ew.

Bronk: Safe to say this one was run over. Accident?

P.B.: It would look that way but for this. (holds up bullet in a forceps) This bird was shot before he was run over. My guess is that he wasn't killed by the bullet, but couldn't fly away, so the killer finished him off via vehicular homicide.

Bacon: And I got fifty says that forensics shows that bullet's mate was dug out of the squirrel. And that these tire tracks match the ones near Pesky's body.

Flip: A bird, a squirrel, a fish. The LSAK.

Bacon: A.K.A. the Land Sea Air Killer.

Bronk: That's gonna be the end of this case. He's been on the run for twenty years. We'll never catch him.

Bacon: Not so fast, Agent Bronk. You see, Flip here got a call on the way over from the chief of the aquacops.

Flip: There was an eyewitness to Joe Pesky's murder, in fact; a school bus was passing by and one of the kids saw Pesky swimming to the surface. The kid said it looked like a twenty-dollar bill was up there. But when Pesky got too close, something grabbed him. Something with no net, no line. Something fast.

Bronk: So that's how he wound up in the parking lot. Guess he stuck his nose out too far and someone put the hit on him.

Bacon: That's not how I see it. After I talked to P.B. I thought of the LSAK, how his three murders would always happen close together and he'd blow town, turn up somewhere else years later. I looked up the cities he'd struck in. Then I showed the list to Flip.

Flip: And what do you know, Bronk? Those were all cities in which you were posted at the time, doing fieldwork for the EPA.

Bronk: You're accusing me? You're all nuts!

Bacon: You knew Pesky was a patsy, an easy mark, especially for a homicidal seagull with a well trained beak. The fact that Louise Chester saw you just made it easy to pick victim two.

P.B.: Three, you mean. This bird was killed early this morning. He was the first.

Bacon: So that's why you went after Pesky today. Because you'd already started the pattern.

Bronk: You're not pinning all this on me! There's no evidence of anything!

Bacon: I'll bet you have a damp twenty in your wallet. And if we swab your beak we'll find some of Pesky's scales, don't you think, P.B.?

Bronk: (pulls gun) Stay right where you are, rat! All of you landlubbers stay put while I fly out of here! URK!

(Bronk falls over, out cold; Flip has given him a vicious karate chop to the head while yanking the gun away with her tongue.)

Bacon: Great work, kiddo!

Flip: I always knew he was a little weird. I thought it was just a seagull thing.

(INT: Police HQ, outside the Chief's office. The Chief with Bacon and Flip, both dressed nicely.)

Chief: Incredible work. The LSA Killer captured and three murders solved in one morning. You'll get a merit badge for this, Bacon, and I'm certain Flip will get rewarded by her superiors.

Flip: I'm not so sure, Chief. Bronk may have been an insane killer, but he cleared a lot of EPA cases.

Bacon: Walk you to the elevator, Agent?

(They stroll toward HQ's rickety elevator.)

Bacon: So, before you leave town, you, uh, want to go get a drink, or a cup of coffee?

Flip: Look, hotshot, it'd never work. We're from different worlds.

Bacon: Yeah, yeah, I suppose you're right. I'm a Mammaliaformes, you're a Salientia. But at heart we're both cops. That should count for something.

Flip: Well... I guess we could have a drink before I go. Someplace quiet?

Bacon: (boards elevator with her) Well, we wouldn't want any tongues wagging.

(They smile at each other as the doors close.)

THE END

Author's note: Sorry about all the roadkill pictures. The Detective Bacon series was inspired by these sad dead creatures, and I wanted to memorialize them as TV show victims. (Yes, the fish too -- he was in a supermarket parking lot in Pennsylvania. Why, I have no idea.) I had three left, so to finish the series Bacon had to face a serial killer. Anyway, until Netflix or Hulu picks it up as an actual series, that should put an end to Bacon's adventures, and to me being the strange guy at the roadside, photographing dead animals.