Would you....

This meme and ones like it have been making the rounds, and I thought I'd share my thoughts, or whatever they are.

Fifty million dollars to shoot your best friend in the leg. Seems tempting, especially if you are the kind of person who is not that close to your friends.

Most of the responses I saw to this -- and that's what I get for looking at comments sections -- were along the lines of either "I'll split the money with my friend and he can afford the best doctors" or the more generous "After we get my friend the best medical treatment we'll split the rest."

Some people try to alter the implied context here, assuming perhaps they are dealing with magical fairies who will have to abide by every word of the agreement:

"I'll shoot him... with a BB gun!"
"I'll shoot him... with a Kodak!"
"I'll shoot him... underwater!"
"I'll name a serial killer as my best friend and I won't care if he dies!"
"I'll name the person with all the money my new best friend!"

These people would be paid off in Monopoly money.

To play the game we have to take it on its face value -- say for some reason an evil and eccentric billionaire (let's call him Beff Jezos) decides it would be fun to see if he can bribe people to use deadly force on their closest friends, maybe to prove people will do anything to get rich. We will assume that he's good for the money and will pay off. The meme doesn't specify the type of gun, although the image shows a rifle; clearly it has to be something of a type and caliber that would be seriously dangerous. Further, we can stipulate that the shot would have to be taken at a reasonable distance; people trying to cause a flesh wound from right next to the friend are essentially playing Operation: The Wacky Doctors Game, and again would be paid in toy money.

Most of those writing comments were willing to accept these conditions, which surprised me. Either they knew nothing about guns except what they'd seen on shows like 24, or they had handled firearms and figured they were good shots and could avoid hitting anything serious.

The problem is, with a leg, everything can be serious.

Jack Bauer would plug a guy in the leg to stop him without killing him, but real-life cops know that the word for shooting a guy in a leg is: Kill. Yes, they train to hit the central body mass and not the legs, but that doesn't mean legs are made of Play-Doh. A shot to the femoral artery can be deadly in minutes.

Okay, so you're a great shot. Mr. Jezos ("Beffy" to his pals) hands you a .30-06 and stands your best friend at the 50-yard line and tells you to shoot your BFF in the leg -- take as many shots as you need. And you're thinking, Don't hit the femoral artery or Bill/Joe/Alice/Jezebel could bleed out before help arrives! (Jezos is not paying to have medical staff on hand -- that's not part of the deal.) Here's the location of the femoral artery:

Thanks to Kenhub for the art.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll totally miss it, no problem. And you won't hit the bone either, which could slice the artery, although the femur is the largest bone in the body. And if somehow you cut that huge artery but manage to save your friend's life, you can help him or her pick out a really expensive prosthetic.

And then there are infections, chronic pain, and other fun effects of taking a bullet in the leg. If people survive the injury they may get better, but they surely don't all get well.

For me, what it comes down to is: Why are you letting someone pay you to do something reprehensible? We all do things we don't want to do for money -- that's why it's called work and not play. But we would say we wouldn't want to do anything cruel or evil for money. And here were all these people ready to do just that. How much more would Beffy have to pay for you to not tell your friend about the deal until after the shooting? How much extra to shoot your friend in the arm, too? How much more to shoot your mom in her leg? To shoot a stranger in the head? At this point it's just negotiating the details.

It's fun to think of ways to spend fifty million dollars, but that's the wrong end of the equation. Never let anyone pay you to do something revolting. It does things to us. In this example, the shooter's injuries may wind up more painful and long-lasting than the injuries of the victim.