It's the real thing?

Diet Coke is now available in some perverse flavors. I was initially alerted to this alarming state of affairs in an article by the Great Lileks. Plain non-Zero Diet Coke had been available in regular and Lime, I think; now it comes in regular, Ginger Lime, Twisted Mango, Feisty Cherry, and Zesty Blood Orange. As Lileks noted on his own site, "it’s not often you get a chance to drink something that has 'Zesty Blood' in its name."

The Diet Coke website page about this flavor change reads like something a Baby Boomer wrote to try to appeal to those kids today. Makes you cringe a little. "Because cherries aren't so innocent." "Because road trips." "Because it's fizzing delicious." Because please stop.

Despite that, when I saw a stack of the new Diet Coke 12-packs in the store, I got a couple of them.

So, was the Blood Orange zesty? Did the Ginger and the Lime play well together?

First, the can.

Coca-Cola decided that part of their hipness would be reflected in the taller, narrower can. For the most part it functions adequately; the drink stays inside where it belongs, and when you want it to emerge, it does so in the usual manner. Great. Here's the problem -- the can is 6 1/8 inches tall and 7 1/4 inches in circumference (by my reckoning), as opposed to the industry-standard 4 7/8 inches tall and 8 5/16 inches circumference, used by all other canned sodas and most cheap beer. Can insulators, lunch totes, and the rack in my new fridge are all designed for the standard can, not this new thin can that looks down its aluminum nose as its squat brethren.

Falls right through.

It's a pain in the rear end, in other words. Good job there, Coke.

Okay, but we can overlook such inconveniences for mind-bending soda flavor.

Except that my mind remained unbent. The Zesty Blood Orange reminds us of why no one ever asked for an orange wedge with a Diet Coke. Unlike lemon, orange doesn't quite fit with Diet Coke. It's weird, and yet dull, like translating Lovecraft into binary code. As for the blood, it's got a bitter taste, which says Zest to me more than Blood Orange. It's not horrible, but it isn't appealing. It's hard to believe anyone at Coke Labs tasted this and said, "By George, I think we've got it!"

And the Ginger Lime is okay, but let me fix that: Ginger Lime. There. Because you can't taste any ginger in it at all. Because it tastes like the same Diet Coke Lime that they've been making since 2004. I don't think anyone could tell the difference in a blind taste test. There's no discernible ginger in there.

I guess I'll try the Cherry and Mango too, but my hopes have been dashed on the rocks of diet soda limitations now. I guess I'm curious about why the cherry is supposed to be so feisty. I can't imagine what could make a mango twisted. A bad childhood?

Maybe Coke will get lucky and Millennials will fall for this nonsense. I don't know. The thin can might make them feel taller and thinner when they drink it. That might help.