Vive lz Francz!

AP (Paris) -- Prime Minister of France Édouard Philippe stunned linguists, philologists, and middle-school students Tuesday by announcing that beginning in 2018, as a means of embracing "a more gender-fluid world," France would cease using masculine and feminine words. "From now on," said Philippe in a speech at National Assembly, "there will be no more masculine or feminine, just humanine."

According to the plan, which will be adopted by all government agencies beginning 1 January, the pronouns il and elle will be replaced by the non-gendered ull. The articles le and la will be replaced by lz. Likewise, all nouns -- which as in other Romance languages were categorized as either masculine or feminine and expressed in that way -- will have any gender-identifying letters replaced by gender-free letters, such as T. Some examples provided by M. Philippe's office include:

English / old French / new French

the author / le auteur / lz auteut

the fly / la mouche / lz moucht

the pipe / le tuyau / lz tuyaz

the fair / la foire / lz foirt

Some words will be shortened as well to make them unoffensive. Accordingly, the motto of France -- Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité -- will now be rendered as Libz + Egaliz, and Fraternity has been eliminated altogether.

Lz Tricoltz

Not all French are embracing the government's order, however. The Academie Française, long considered a bastion of language conservatism in France, has stated its opposition to the change, saying that "la langue française est d'une grande importance culturelle et ne peut être arrachée par des weenies bureaucratiques" ("the French language is of vast cultural importance, and cannot be wrenched about by bureaucratic weenies").

But the government has dismissed such complaints. A spokesperson said that people would see how much improved French was when everyone acclimated to it. Examples of new versions of famous French phrases were provided:

Original: Au long aller, peti fardeau pèse (On a lengthy journey even a small burden weighs)
New: Au long allt, petiz fardeau pez

Original: La vérité est dans la vin (There is truth in vine)
New: Lz véritt ez danz lz vin

Original: Je crains l'homme de un seul livre (Fear the man of one book)
New: Je craint lz personnz de ut seul livrt

Original: Chassez le naturel, il revient au galop (Chase away the natural and it returns at a gallop)
New: Chassz lz neuturel, ull revient au galop

Original: Cherchez la femme (Look for the woman)
New: Cherzchzt lz personnz

Original: Vive la différence! (Long live diversity)
New: Viv lz similitudt!

The spokesperson claimed that the only difference shown was in the new version, no one can be offended on the basis of gender or genders or lack thereof; "In fact," it went on to say, "with the new rules in place, it would be easy to imagine that France has no men whatever."