H.R. Rough 'n stuff.

When my chums are down, you know what I like to tell them? I like to tell them, “Cheer up, chum! It could always be worse!” And they say, “No it can’t!” And then I punch them in the mouth and say, “See? Now it’s worse!”

Because indeed, no matter how bad something is, it can always be worse.

Take, for example, the children’s programs of my youth by those showbiz tycoons Sid and Marty Krofft. In the early 1970’s they produced a lot of bizarre TV shows for kids, and if you haven’t seen them there is very little I can say that would do justice to how weird they were.

Start with H.R. Pufnstuf. They made seventeen episodes of the show in 1969---I was astonished to find that that was all there ever were---and it stayed on TV in one form or another for the next FIFTEEN YEARS. See what you kids missed before everyone had cable? The show centered around a British boy on the brink of puberty and his magic flute that an evil witch was always trying to steal.

The boots really bring the outfit together.

And yet even this show could have been worse than it was. All of them could. Let’s see how:

Actual show: H.R. Pufnstuf

Jimmy is wrecked on Living Island, where an evil witch tries to steal his magic flute, Freddy. A friendly dragon helps protect Jimmy and tries to help get him back home.

Worse show: H.R. Freudnstuf

Norman is wrecked on Bates Island where an evil witch tries to steal his “magic flute.” A friendly, long, muscular, serpentine dragon tries to protect Norman and send him someplace other than home. (There is a dramatic scene halfway through the series where Witchiepoo has Norman injured and hanging from a tree, and then tells him, “Norman…I am your mother!”)

Actual show: Sigmund and the Sea Monsters

Two brothers harbor and must hide a friendly sea monster named Sigmund, separated from his family because he refuses to frighten humans.

Worse show: Sigmoid and the Pee Monsters

Two brothers deal with an anthropomorphic intestinal fluke who is always getting up their asses. Sigmoid’s family of urinary schistosomiases are always wrecking the plumbing.

Actual show: The Bugaloos

Harmony, I.Q., Courage, and Joy are the Bugaloos, a quartet of human winged insects who have a hippie rock band; they are opposed by Benita Bizarre, who lives in a giant jukebox and plays lousy music.

Worse show: The Bugaboos

Lowgiene, O.C.D., Manic, and Depressive are the Bugaboos, a quartet of human vermin who have a grunge rock band; they are opposed by Norma Normal, who lives on PBS and plays old rock reunion shows. Complimentary Peter, Paul, and Mary tote bag with a $100 donation!

Actual show: Lidsville

Teenage Mark falls into a magic hat and winds up in Lidsville, the land of living hats. The evil HooDoo tries to kidnap Weenie the Genie away from Mark, while the good hats try to help Mark get home.

Worse show: Libsville

College freshman Marq falls into a magic bong and winds up in Libsville, the land where Communism is still considered plausible. The evil TopHat Pennybags tries to kidnap Pepe the Proletarian away from Marq, while Ushanka, Chairman Meow Cap, and the other good hats try to export revolution to Marq’s home.

See? Like I said, anything can be worse. You can say that the worse versions of the shows could not have gotten on network TV---but I would add that network TV could have been worse than it was, too.

Hard to believe, I know.