Catalogs.

Every day I got to the mailbox and look for huge checks. Every day I am disappointed. But last Saturday was kind of a relief. Not that I didn't get checks, but because it was Veterans' Day and I got nothing. Which meant for one day at least I didn't have to lug fifteen pounds of catalogs into the house. 

Not that I mind receiving them. They start up too early, granted. I mentioned last year that I hardly look at them, but that's not strictly true. I find them occasionally fun to look at (as noted in years previous) and helpful when trying to think of things to get for professional gifts, for the person who has everything, for the person who hates everything. I have some tough customers on my list, man.

Here's a couple of catalogs I've been checking. 

Enstrom, the gift catalog for the guy on your list whose dentist needs business!

Let me say that we have received packages of Enstrom toffee in the past, and it is the finest toffee I've ever tried, delicious and delicate, not at all like trying to break a shovel blade with my teeth. However, it is toffee, tartar grout, and if you're sensitive to these things you can almost feel your enamel rotting while you eat. I'd love to send some to my editing clients, but if any of them have just paid for crowns or periodontal work they may cut me off the payroll.

If you're not in the Christmas spirit yet -- and it's November 13, so get going! -- you might need a visit from Frontgate.

Frontgate is owned by Cornerstone Brands, and they sell higher-end Christmas decorations. We've gotten some things from them in the past and they merry and brighten up the joint just swell. Lots of choices here -- this particular catalog features eight different holiday-themed doormats, for example, which is quite a lot of doormat choices. There's even more on their Web site, including a Margaritaville-themed Christmas mat. Frontgate: For All Your Santa Doormat Needs. 

I always get a kick out of the Signals catalog, although I'm not sure why I get it. It says it's for "Fans & Friends of Public Television." I'm not really a fan of PBS, obsession with Antiques Roadshow not withstanding, and I'm unclear on the Constitutionality of having government broadcasting at all. I would not, thus, call myself a Friend of Public Television, but neither am I a Sworn Enemy of it. All that said, they get some keen stuff in Signals. My favorite this year is undoubtedly the Endless Singing Christmas Joke Greeting Card. It seems like a typical sound-chip card, playing Christmas music -- but it won't shut off. And it can play for three hours. Attempts to shut it off make it louder. In desperation your victim tears it apart, releasing a gout of glitter. How better to say Happy Holidays than annoy the hell out of your loved ones? (Available in birthday hell too!)

Finally, we have The Gift Issue from jewelry hawkers Ross-Simons:

And you know what that means, boys! Gentlemen, start your credit cards!