Inclusivity parade.

HIGGITY BOARD CANCELS OXYGEN DEPENDENCE DAY

Board Cites "Lack of Inclusivity"

Higgity, Massachusetts (AP) -- The Higgity Public School Board voted yesterday to cancel the system's Oxygen Dependence Day Parade, a holiday created to be as inclusive as possible to all students.

"We have been informed that our assumption that Oxygen Dependence Day was completely open to all students was mistaken," said schools supervisor Zo McHale Hernandez Ling. "We had believed that no matter what race, creed, political belief, national origin, traditions, or gender(s) (or lack of) students subscribed to, all of us require oxygen to survive. We have been informed that our position was racist, homophobic, xenophobic, imperialistic, racist, stupid, sexist, cisnormative, and racist by members of the studentry and faculty. We deeply regret our decision."

Five students from Che Guevara High School, expressing themselves to be among the Atlantis American community, posted a message on the school's online message board calling Oxygen Dependence Day "Airnormative" and "Anti-Gill." This was followed by a similar message from the Saturnian Alliance, a group of students that claim to be nitrogen-breathers who view oxygen as a waste product, "not like in your culture."

For students disappointed with the cancellation of the festivities, the school board announced another Teacher Appreciation Day to replace the holiday. This will be the fifth Teacher Appreciation Day on the school calendar, joining Day Off Day, Teacher Union Support Day, and Girl Power Day as the only officially sanctioned holidays in the school year.