Wiener.

I'm so distraught. A major celebrity was here in the Hudson Valley and I missed the whole thing.

Yes, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile made an appearance a few towns over at a supermarket, and where was I? Working, like a loser.

The Wienermobile (or Wienermobiles, as there is a fleet of six) makes tours throughout the country in the spring and summer, spreading Oscar Mayer love throughout the land. Decades ago Dave Barry wrote a famous column about picking up his son from school in the Wienermobile, and ever since I read it I've wanted to get behind the wheel of that sweet sausage and go for a ride.

Of course, that's the problem; I would hardly be content to go see the vehicle, meet the pilots (or "Hotdoggers)," and gracefully accept a whistle and whatever other freebies might be on hand. Oh, no. I'd have to try to distract everyone ("Look! Some guy in a relish truck!") and slip in the door. If I was very lucky the keys would be in it; I don't think I can hot-wire a hot dog.

Yes: I would commit Grand Theft Wiener.

Like cop cars, the Wienermobile has a PA system, so I expect my getaway would make for some loud conversations between myself and the police:

"PULL THE WIENER OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!"

"Never! You'll never take my Wiener!"

"YOU CANNOT ESCAPE IN THE WIENER. YOU ARE CONSPICUOUS."

"That's what you think! Earl Scheib, here I come!"

I'm not sure it would be safe for children to hear. I am sure it would be the #1 police chase video in the history of YouTube.

I guess I will have to content myself by playing with the free Wienermobile app. If that's not enough, I can get the Wienermobile parking sign for my garage.

Everyone would know this was
my spot.

Then again, if the Oscar Mayer people could only hear the song I wrote following the death of Chuck Berry (so he can't sue), they might just invite me to drive the thing:

Driving along in the Wienermobile
My mustard beside me at the wheel
I stole a bite at the turn of a mile
Ev'ry one of my taste buds runnin' wild...