Shred your identity.

I enjoy using my shredder. It's weird to enjoy destruction so much. Only I and guys who abate asbestos get so much wholesome fun out of wholesale destruction. 

Whee!

For security, we are all supposed to shred documents we don't need, generally after 4 to 7 years, but some we have to keep anywhere from a couple of days to forever, according to this list from H&R Block. Got to protect your identity. Security through annihilation. I've also taken a big sack of paper down to Staples for their shredding service via Iron Mountain -- 99 cents a pound, as of yesterday -- when I cleared out the file cabinet last time. It feels good to shred.

You may remember the "Blue in the Face" episode of That's so Raven. Raven's father, Victor, becomes somewhat obsessed with his new shredder. Dad winds up shredding her chem homework, and Raven's salvage attempt leads to an unstable chemical reaction that paints them both blue the next day. Okay, not a great example of the joy of shredding. But it is an example of how powerful said joy can be. It's the only episode of any show I know of that explores the topic.

Here's a photo that's been making the rounds online:

Now, I'm sure there is a perfectly innocent explanation for why a hearse would be toting around a wood chipper. But it does make for an interesting idea. I mean, you could really shred your identity, if you get my drift.

Not that I'm rushing things, but . . . I have a neighbor with whom I have been having some issues, mainly because I am a normal guy and he is lower than plankton turd. I am pretty sure he will die in jail one day, but just in case I should go first, I would like to hire this hearse/chipper service.

All they'd have to do is back the contraption up to my neighbor's house, aim it at his porch, and load me in. I'll leave him with something to remember me by.

Just make sure I'm really dead first. As we learned from That's so Raven, premature shredding is a no-no.