Nothing naughty in the air.

I've been hoping to take a trip soon, which would be the first chance I've had to fly anywhere in a couple of years. Seems like a good time to get reacquainted with the Transportation Security Administration for the latest in the Prohibited Items list. You don't want to have your secret plan to smuggle liquid morphine come to ruin when the vial gets tossed in the trash for being 150 ml.

Fly the > 3.4 oz/100 ml Skies

Obviously you'll have to check your contraband in your luggage if you want to smuggle enough to make the trip pay. But what can you actually bring on the plane?

Like, suppose you get bored on the flight and you want to get a pickup game of softball going. Well, guess what? No softball bats allowed in the carry-on! It looks like you can bring gloves and balls and bases on the flight, but that'll do you no good.

Maybe you don't like waiting for the drink cart. I mean, who does? It takes for freakin' EVER. So you want to pack some little 3.3 oz bottles of 190-proof grain alcohol, just to, you know, take the edge off. Nope! You can't bring any alcohol of more than 140 proof aboard. How lame is that? You can't get properly, uh, de-edged on measly shots like that.

Suppose you're a handy guy, and you're thinking, hey, the average age of a domestic U.S. commercial airplane is 11 years. What if something goes wrong? I'll bring along my tool box so I can help out. BZZZT! No axes, crowbars, hammers, saws -- no wrenches over seven inches long! You can't fix an aircraft in motion under these conditions, I'm sorry.

The list of things you're not allowed to bring means an even longer implied list of things you're not allowed to do. Sharpen your rapier, bleach your underpants, juggle clubs, practice putting, tinker with the airbag from your Chevy -- all illegal. You're just supposed to sit there like a stooge the whole way, I guess.

Of course, we're all aware of the concerns about terrorism. So it's a good thing that firearms and explosives are prohibited! But what about other weapons? Some idiot could sneak a baseball bat on board! If so, and he starts menacing, wouldn't you like a handy canister of tear gas to take his terrorist heinie down? No can do, Rambo! "Self-defense sprays containing more than 2% by mass of Tear Gas are prohibited in both carry-on and checked baggage." Doesn't seem like some measly low-fat 1% tear gas is going to save the day, you ask me.

So between worry and boredom and lack of booze, the flight itself can be pretty awful. Maybe you should smuggle that morphine by taking it before you get on. That way you'll just sleep through the whole thing.