How to be a pitiful jackass.

"Fred," people never say to me, "I would like to be a first-rate douchebag, the kind of person that is open to scorn from just about everybody. What should I do?"

Well, imaginary person, there are many things you can do. You can father children and ignore them. You can steal things from people who have nothing and use it for your own pleasure. You can push over little old ladies and laugh as they sprawl in the street.

And you can do this:

It may not be clear immediately what you are looking at, but I shall explain.

This is a church, and these are pews. And yes, there is a man in jeans, when most every other man is wearing a suit and tie. Does this mean he is the one I am thinking of, like the wedding guest in Matthew 22:

But when the king came in to look at the company, he saw a man there who had no wedding-garment on; "My friend," he said, "how didst thou come to be here without a wedding-garment?" And he made no reply. Whereupon the king said to his servants, "Bind him hand and foot, and cast him out into the darkness, where there shall be weeping, and gnashing of teeth."

Nah, as much as I regret the slovenliness we have descended to in our society, the ignoramus in the bad pants was just abetting the real jackwipe next to him. That guy, in the black, whose collar was up and whose necktie was askew and open halfway down his chest, that guy was responsible for this:

Yes, he was watching a football game on his mobile device during the wedding.

This is the kind of thing that someone does in maybe a Billy Bob Thornton or Seth Rogen movie and everyone finds it funny, because no one could be that crass, that stupid. Well, guess what?

Seeing this guy do this tell you several things immediately:

🙈 He has no respect for the bride or the groom.

🙈 He has no reverence for or even awareness of the solemnity of any religious ceremony or place of worship.

🙈 He has no manners.

🙈 He has no idea how to pay attention to something that doesn't have an obvious interest to him.

🙈 He's someone who can't listen to or sympathize with others, because his self-interest is all he sees.

This was not some big huge full-Mass wedding; it was a short service, a little more than half an hour. When it was over he pushed outside as fast as possible to have a cigarette. Screw the confetti to shower the happy couple; he wasn't going to participate. They were lucky he was there at all.

I missed the reception. I'm sure he was a barrel of fun there.

You may say, "Well, Saint Fred, unless you're perfect yourself you shouldn't be judging anyone."

I reply: We all make judgments. It's a survival skill. It's the basis of law and civil society. Don't twist Matthew 7:1 on me---"Judge not lest ye be judged." The next verse is "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." And you know something? If I were to fall lower than the assholiest day of my life and watch a football game in a church during the wedding of a loved one, I should and ought to be shamed for it.

Kids, if you want to grow up to be a dickweed like this guy, you'll have to work very hard to prevent yourself from having any respect for anyone but your own precious self. Make sure everyone knows how little you think of them by ignoring them even on the most important day of their lives. You wouldn't want to give others a hint that they matter.