Final Olympic news update.

***The nation mourns the fact that Kerri Walsh Jennings was unable to win a gold medal again this year, after three consecutive Women's Beach Volleyball golds in 2004, 2008, and 2012. Her partner on those previous Olympic was the retired Misty May-Treanor; this year it was the extremely talented April Ross. Some talk has been floated that Kerri's error was in going from May to April, with suggestions that for Tokyo 2020 she should consider a partner named June.

***We need to take a moment to Congratulate the medalists in Men's Trampoline medalists, Uladzislau Hancharou, Dong Dong, and Gao Lei. We also need to congratulate the announcers for the event for getting through the names without suffering injury or laughing out loud.

***We're pleased to announce that the U.S. curling team, having arrived at the wrong Olympics and then getting trapped in Rhodesia, which does not exist anymore, has finally returned home. They had lost their passports while stowing away aboard a tramp steamer out of Manila, however, and were forced to land in Mexico and sneak over the border. "It was easier than clearing customs," said team captain Herschel Stump.

***The Finnish diving coach, Sqvrd Sqvrdson, apologized to his team and nation for the poor performance of the diving squad, citing his "revolutionary cannonball technique" as being the cause of the team's downfall.

***In other apologetic news, swimmer Ryan Lochte apologized for claiming that Michael Phelps had been kidnapped by Brazilian mobsters. Lochte said that when the mobsters called to demand ransom, he told them, "If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let our swimmer go now that'll be the end of it." He said now that the conversation never happened, that Phelps had not been kidnapped but was just out getting a sandwich.

***Also in apologies, Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt apologized for trying to sneak into the doubles table tennis tournament, wearing blond wigs and posing as the women's team from Iceland. They admitted that they were jonesing for a medal and, with the Games coming to a close, got desperate.

***Ki So of the People's Republic of China was disqualified from the Equestrian Individual Jumping event when it was discovered that he was not, in fact, riding a horse, but rather an unusually large border collie.

***Brazilian authorities were pleased to announce that the Olympic Cauldron Snuffer had been located and would be in position for the Closing Ceremony. They feared it had been stolen, but they had just left it in the other car.