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Interviewer: Good day, Your Highnesses. Thank you for coming in.
[Babble of princess voices]
Int.: Uh, one at a time please!
Princess 1: Shut it, you idiots! I'll do the talking.
Int.: Thank you.
Princess 1: I'm the eldest. I'm in charge.
Princess 12: Yeah, and thanks to you we got busted.
Princess 1: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK, BEEYOTCH?
Int.: Uh, if we could focus...
Princess 4: I think we would make awesome Disney princesses! We can dance, and sing... and skate!
Int.: If you could tell us a little about your story...
Princess 7: Here's the deal: Every night we went dancing in secret with these fabu princes who lived in a magic palace underground---and not just dancing, if you get my drift---and the only clue our stupid king father had was that our shoes were full of holes. Good thing he didn't check our---
Other 11 Princesses: SHUT UP, MARGARET!
Princess 7: These dopey boys from other kings' castles kept coming a-courting, so Dad said fine, find out what my daughters are up to after I lock them away at night.
Int.: No one knew you were sneaking out of the castle?
Princess 10: Secret passage.
Princess 4: See? What a great story!
Princess 2: It's all a metaphor.
Princess 4: Don't say that. Allegory is boring.
Princess 2: It's all a metaphor.
Princess 4: Don't say that. Allegory is boring.
Int.: So these boys staying with your father never saw you sneak out.
Princess 1: No, and to make sure, we drugged them so they slept soundly.
Int.: Ah. That's... interesting.
Princess 7: Yeah, and when Dad asked them after a few days what the deal was, they were all like, I dunno, pops. So he cut off their heads.
Int.: Your father beheaded other kings' sons?!?
Princess 1: Father had issues. He also had the biggest army around.
Int.: Well, this got dark in a hurry.
Princess 7: Finally this old crippled soldier with an invisibility cloak followed us and ruined everything. Then Matilda had to marry him and the rest of us never got to see our hunky underground princes again.
Princess 8: All because the royal cobbler sucks. I mean, really? Shoes wearing through after one night?
Princess 3: Well, they were dancing shoes, and we had to walk through the enchanted forests to meet the princes.
Princess 4: Oh, what a wonderful story it could be! You could clean it up a little, couldn't you? Say, instead of Dad going all ISIS on the local kings' sons, maybe he could just pitch them into the moat!
Princess 1: But you ought to know -- Barbie beat you to us.
Int.: Huh?
Princess 1: Yes. Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses. Released 2006. Sorry.
Princess 7: They sure cleaned the hell out of that for the movie. We were just high-spirited. Not unindicted co-conspirators.
Princess 1: Nor were we nameless entities, consigned to some grotesque soldier's story.
Int.: And the name of the soldier in the story was...?
Princess 1: [unintelligible]
Int.: Sorry?
Princess 1: I said, he didn't get a name in the story, either.
Int.: Well, frankly, I think we'd rather be talking to him.
Princess 1: You wouldn't say that if you met him! I had to marry him, you know! Leaves his underwear everywhere, never puts the throne down...
Princess 4: You have to help us! Mattel is never going to use us for a "Barbie on Ice" spectacular! You have to get us into to see Mickey!
Int.: Maybe some other time.
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Is Princess 2 right, that the story is a metaphor? Well, I think I know what her underground prince metaphor! Keep your set tuned to "The Wonderful World of Fred" for future installments of the Princess Interviews!
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