Projects for 2015.

Determine why Underwood makes deviled ham but not deviled cheese.

Lose weight or convince CDC to redefine “fat.”

Start new history book on the Battle of Gettysburg, How I Won the Battle of Gettysburg, and make everything up. (Was Gettysburg, like, a state? Like, four score and seven miles from D.C.? Should find that out.)

Train the dog to wash the car. What the hell.

Get checkup; cover ears and go “La la la” when doctor tries to talk afterward.

Put toothpaste back in tube. With my bare hands.

Begin campaign for Nobel Prize for inventor of undo.

Break into every single Starbucks with big Sharpie; change every single sign from Short, Tall, Grande, and Venti to Small, Regular, Large, and Extra Large.

Call the White House once a month to ask if their refrigerator is running.

Join mob; whack the capo; take over; turn into peace-loving handmade toy company.

Find out if in other countries baseball is a game of centimeters.

Read Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary cover-to-cover; can get it wrapped up in a year by reading just 617 definitions a day.

Find out why deviled ham is so maligned; could there be angeled ham?

Start riot against racism during white sales.

Ask accountant if it’s okay to just tell the IRS whatever since it apparently no longer cares about documentation.

Start new novel (a family saga spanning many generations that takes a small peasant clan through war, famine, disease, a quest for a new life as pioneers, struggles, more war, prosperity, ruin, industrialization, still more war, return to prosperity, politics, again with the war, sacrifice, glamour, and fame) entitled The Humphinschnitzels.

Call White House once a month to ask why, if Obamacare is working so well, nobody else is.

Determine whether Kraft Easy Cheese can be considered deviled cheese.