Nosy McParkers at the Census Bureau.

I was cordially invited, under penalty of law, to join the United States Census Bureau's American Community Survey. This is a celebration of privacy invasion distinct from their Decennial Census of Population and Housing, the only one that they were instructed originally to carry out (for purposes of taxation and representation), which itself has become a bloated questionfest on all manner of stuff that a truly free society would never endure. Be that as it may, they assure us that all information on all their surveys are strictly for the benefit of the citizens of the United States. Just like everything the government does.

Nosy McParker HQ

And I'm sure all that personal information will be kept under lock and key, and never stolen or used for political purposes.

It's just great to answer the Census at Christmastime. So I was happy to do my bit to help out, and in fact am willing to share my information on some important questions with you. This, I hope, will inspire you to comply when the Census goons come knocking at your door.

What is Frederick Key’s sex?

 

What the hell business is it of yours if I---oh, wait, never mind.

Did Frederick Key receive any wages, salary, commissions, bonuses, or tips during the PAST 12 MONTHS?

 

You think I do all this stuff I do for laughs?

At any time IN THE LAST 3 MONTHS, has Frederick Key attended school or college? Include only nursery or preschool, kindergarten, elementary school, home school, and schooling which leads to a high school diploma or a college degree.

 

Yes, following my successful completion of kindergarten (dreams can come true!) I enrolled in a shepherding course at the local vocational school. It’s coming along very nicely, thanks, and the sheep have almost stopped biting me.

Does Frederick Key speak a language other than English at home?

 

Que?

What is this person’s ancestry or ethnic origin?

 

Frederick Key was born on the Russian Steppes of Slavic/Aztec parents, although his maternal great-grandfather was one-third Cherokee, as witnessed by his awesome high cheekbones.

Is Frederick Key deaf or does he have serious difficulty hearing?

 

What?

Because of a physical, mental, or emotional condition, does Frederick Key have serious difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions?

 

Yes, I have a lot of problems making decisions. My wife asks me what I want for dinner and I am stymied for hours. This has led to much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Are you selling some kind of brain-restoring supplement like an infomercial? Because I sure could use something.

Does Frederick Key have difficulty dressing or bathing?

 

Lots of trouble dressing. Can never decide what to wear. See previous answer.

How many times has this person been married?

 

Nineteen. Going for the record.

Is there a business (such as a store or barber shop) or a medical office on this property?

 

As a matter of fact there is a small slaughterhouse in the cellar laundry room, which is used to provide fine artisan mutton and mutton sausage to the local community. Is that all right?

Which FUEL is used MOST for heating this house, apartment, or mobile home?

 

Dung.

Does this house have a flush toilet?

 

No; we need the dung.