I am death, destroyer of toys.

The dog got a present yesterday. Of course he didn't know it was Christmas; don't get all Band Aidy on me. But everyone else was getting stuff; why not him?

He got one of those indestructible dog toys. If you have a dog, you may be familiar with the claims. "SUPERHARD PLASTIC!" "FIRE HOSE MATERIAL!" "ASTRONAUT-QUALITY!" "TOUGH AS NAILS!" "ACTUALLY MADE OUT OF IRON!"

Well.

One hour.

I'm told smaller dogs than Tralfaz annihilate dog toys with similar grim efficiency. It's just the way they play. If children played with toys the way dogs do, they would immediately start trying to ruin them the moment they got the wrapping paper off.

"Bobby, why are you trying to drive nails into your new soccer ball?"

"I must destroy this thing!"

"Oh, good, I'm glad you're enjoying it."

If we actually do get something for Tralfaz that he cannot rip to pieces, like the Goughnut, or an anvil, he's kind of indifferent to it.

I've heard that dogs like squeaky toys because they sound like the tortured cries of their wounded prey. Could be something like that, I guess, but that seems rather catlike for a dog. It's not just squeaky toys that get the treatment, of course, or plush "play must be supervised" toys, but anything. He likes to go after Frisbees, but when he catches one he usually wants to sit down and start munching on it like it's his last meal. A stick of any size requires endless chewing.

I guess I don't really know what, if anything, goes through my dog's head. It's not hard to tell when he likes something. Unfortunately those are often the same things that must be removed from him quickly so he doesn't kill himself on the pieces. Maybe I should sign up for canine Heimlich classes.