The true meaning of Halloween.

Let's take a moment from all the hustle and bustle of the holiday to contemplate the true meaning of Halloween. 

Ha. We all know it's

Awright! 

For some of us adults, Halloween will be an opportunity to exercise our abilities at zombie makeup, giant puppet creation, or attempting to get next to the Naughty Ebola Nurse at the office party. But for most of us, it will mean: free excuse to wolf down chocolate. 

The Christian Science Monitor reports that U.S. Halloween candy spending is $2.2 billion this year. Clearly we have lost our minds. But we've retained our sweet tooth, so that's okay. 

Just so we're all clear on the rules: 

1) Stock up with lots of classic candy like NECCO wafers, Dots, Dum-Dums, Mary Janes, Star Brites, Lemon Drops, Bazooka gum, and chocolate. 

2) Fend off the trick-or-treaters with NECCO wafers, Dots, Dum-Dums, Mary Janes, Star Brites, Lemon Drops, and Bazooka gum, and eat the good stuff yourself.

I don't do scary things for the kids anymore on Halloween. One year I had a rubber scare mask and I flung open the door to find a four-year-old Batman on the porch by himself. I almost made him wet his utility belt. 

Now I usually answer the door in my Groucho glasses and mustache, and that's just so none of the kids will recognize the dude who fobbed off the Dum-Dums and Star Brites while his shirt was covered in chocolate.