The Princess Interviews: Part III.

As you undoubtedly know, in our spirit of fellowship we at FredCo. wish to make life easier for our pals at Disney, who are desperately searching for the next princess franchise for their successful princess film and packaging deals. We think there are resources yet untapped in the Brothers Grimm. To this end we've interviewed Lily of "Lily and the Lion" and Goose Girl of "The Goose Girl," both stories out of the Grimms's book. Sadly, we have had little success so far, but we are hoping to strike gold with the princess in the charming story "The Golden Bird."

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Interviewer: Good day, Your Highness. Thank you for coming in to see us.

Princess: Yeah, whatever.

Int.: Uh... is everything all right? 

Princess: Are you kidding? The answer to that would be... let's see... how's NO grab you?

Int.: Terribly sorry! What is the matter?

Princess: Let's start with the fact that it's MY story and those Grimm idiots didn't even bother to write down my name.

Int.: Really? Let's see here, it's... Uh, you're right.

Princess: Jane.

Int.: Jane? That's your name?

Princess: Yeah.

Int.: Thank you for clearing that up. Now, Princess Jane, as you know we are looking for a new Disney Princess. How do you feel your story fits with the Disney panoply of princesses?

Princess: It doesn't. It's stupid.

Int.: The panoply?

Princess: My story. You know the real hero is the fox? And he's psychotic.

Int.: But the title is "The Golden Bird," not "The Psychotic Fox." Aren't you the titular bird?

Princess: Hey, watch the language!

Int.: But---

Princess: No, I'm not the bird. The bird is just a dumb yellow bird that these three brothers throw their lives away chasing. I'm just part of the fabulous cash and prizes one of the idiots manages to get, thanks to the fox. Who was my brother, under an enchantment.

Int.: So you don't have a lot of lines in the script. 

Princess: Not the way the Grimms wrote it! I get squat! I told my agent, this has got to change or I'm walking. The whole thing is about the youngest brother, the dumbbell I get to marry in the end, by the way.

Int.: What's his name?

Princess: Jim. It's not in the story, either. The Grimms didn't write down anyone's name. You think they were mailing it in at this point? Plus the story is way too gross for the kids.

Int.: PG-13 gross? 

Princess: After the fox helps the one brother, who is slightly less moronic than his older brothers, he asks in return that the brother cut off his head and feet.

Int.: Kind of R-ish. Operatic.

Princess: Of course, then he turns back into my stupid cursed brother. You know how he got turned into a fox? It's not in the story. I'll tell you how: by sticking his nose into other peoples' business, that's how. And his advice is always confusing, inexplicable, and annoying. "When you come to the castle where the bird is, I will stay with the princess at the door, and you will ride in and speak to the king; and when he sees that it is the right horse, he will bring out the bird; but you must sit still, and say that you want to look at it, to see whether it is the true golden bird; and when you get it into your hand, ride away." Uh, 'scuse me, Fox Boy, but you want to write all that crap down? And write small because I only have five pages left in my book. Know-it-all jerkface.

Int.: I get the feeling that you're not keen on the possibility of a film adaptation. 

Princess: Not without some serious rewrite, buster. Astenazagur is all over this project.

Int.: Who's Astuwhatagur?

Princess: My brother.

Int.: I think we'll have to file this as "in turnaround" for now. Thanks for coming in. 

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Keep your set tuned to this channel for future installments of the Princess Interviews!