Ban me!

The Great Lileks posted this old gem on his Tumblr site:

The Decameron by Boccaccio is known for having some stories with sexual content. Yowza! Supposedly it's been banned a bunch of times and in various places over the last 700+ years. Obviously that hasn't kept it from being popular, or at least continuously read. In fact, it almost certainly has kept its popularity up there.

Well, that means Boccaccio is another author who's done better than me. Damn it! King, Patterson, Boccaccio, Clancy---Clancy died in 2013 and since then the bastard's got 6 new books with his name plastered on the front. In other words he writes more new books dead than I do alive. Son of a bitch.

Anyway, taking a page from Boccaccio's lewd book, I decided that the best way to move a lot of my novels is to be banned. I know my fellow Bleatnik Stiiv (all together: STIIV!) supports me in this. All the librarians will rush to buy my books. Even if they are supposed corrupt the youth. Especially if they are supposed to corrupt the youth. Then the school librarians will go on hunger strikes to get my books available for the kids.

Does it matter than my books have very little sex and generally realistic (if any) violence? Shhh---don't tell them.

Just do me a solid and tell your local librarian that you are FURIOUS that some libraries are carrying those SINFUL and SHOCKING books by that ORGIASTIC PIG FREDERICK KEY, and you'd just as soon BURN THIS LIBRARY DOWN as see it feature any of FREDERICK KEY's books in its digi catalog. Because he is DISGUSTING and CORRUPTS the YOUTH. That name is F-R-E-D K-E-Y.

Seriously, let me know which libraries you target and I'll arrange to cut you in on the sales. You'll be happy, I'll be happy, the librarians will be happy... Win-Win-Win!

Boccaccio and Tom Clancy might not be happy for the competition, but that's okay. They're dead.

Tweet release.

As Mr. Philbin knows, and as I have written before, I have staunchly refused to Tweet on Twitter. I'm too free-form for that, man. Too blogalicious.

It's not that I am incapable of the 140-character zinger. Heck, my dog could do that. C'mere, Tralfaz! Tweet for the people!

If ur gonna be late for dinner, leave ur feet and the A1 sauce by the door

Puppy shlobber clinically proven to cure many skin ailments

Was excited to go to eye doc when u got ur glasses--i wanted some too but found out that thats not why i can't read - damn

U call it a crate to make urself feel better but everyone knows it's a cage

I think u liked me better when u thot I could speak English & was just obstinate


See? I could come up with some too, if I wanted to. So there!

No, my main problem is that I look like an idiot enough of the time as it is. Let me put this succinctly, in less than 140 characters---a rule you should post backward on your forehead so you see it every day in the mirror: If you can’t control your anger, DO NOT TWEET. You've seen examples constantly. It's terrible to be a well-respected and wealthy person brought to groveling apology by something you let out in public; it's worse if you're a low-level schlub whose career is completely ruined by the same thing.

 

And I'm not sure I trust myself. Too many people need a trip to the woodshed, and when I'm sore I get to thinking that I'm the one who needs to be administering the whuppin'.

Plus, I don't want to make the other guys feel bad. James Patterson only has 57,900 followers, for one. He's a prolific and accomplished guy. Why would I want to start Tweeting and racking up followers? Just to make him feel bad?

Well, I'm sorry, people, but that's just not the Fred way.