We've been a little grim here on the ol' bloggeroo lately, going on about cancel culture and the malfeasance of the public health profession. Let's lighten it up with some jokes today.
In fact, today I'm glancing at what the
Bulletin of Bibliography called a "splendid collection of jokes and humor sayings," which is
Toaster's Handbook by Peggy Edmund and Harold Workman Williams (H.W. Wilson Co., 1914). Actually I'm looking at the 1916 edition, thanks to Mongo and our other friends at Project Gutenberg, who have made the
whole thing available online. "Jokes, Stories, and Quotations" says the subtitle. I thought we'd have a look.
We know it's easy to poke fun at humor of an older time, or to get all mad at it for making fun of things we wouldn't make fun of now. Back then ethnic and regional jokes were very big, but jokes about religion and sex were kept to men's saloons and would not be found in a book like this.
We've tried to be more sensitive and less rude about ethnic humor since 1916, and most regional jokes have lost their buzz. But since the VCR brought R-rated movies into the house we've lost the ability to tell jokes and anecdotes without #&^$!* language. Comedians have been using effenheimers to liven up lame jokes for decades, but that wasn't an option a century ago.
There are more than enough lame jokes, like this:
Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath."
"Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down on your wrath?"
Charlie squirmed a little. Then:
"Well, how can I stop it?"
And jokes that time has left behind, like this:
"My ancestors came over in the 'Mayflower.'"
"That's nothing; my father descended from an aëroplane."—Life.
Therefore, my self-imposed challenge is to find ten jokes in this book that made me laugh out loud or at least smile, jokes that don't insult any modern sensibilities. (There certainly are some doozies that I found offensive, even shocking, and I am no snowflake.) A lot of topics are evergreen, like money, the battle of the sexes, gossips, and golf, and the book arranges its jokes by subject matter. I'm not sure that makes my task easier. And I'll warn you that I'm leaving the Irish jokes in.
Will I find ten funny jokes? Let's find out! If it helps you enjoy them, just drop in some F-bombs as you read, as if told by a modern jokester.
1) "Shine yer boots, sir?"
"No," snapped the man.
"Shine 'em so's yer can see yer face in 'em?" urged the bootblack.
"No, I tell you!"
"Coward," hissed the bootblack.
2) A good Samaritan, passing an apartment house in the small hours of the morning, noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway.
"What's the matter?" he asked, "Drunk?"
"Yep."
"Do you live in this house?"
"Yep."
"Do you want me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep."
With much difficulty he half dragged, half carried the drooping figure up the stairway to the second floor.
"What floor do you live on?" he asked. "Is this it?"
"Yep."
Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps, take him for a companion more at fault than her spouse, he opened the first door he came to and pushed the limp figure in.
The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. As he was passing through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of another man, apparently in worse condition than the first one.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you drunk, too?"
"Yep," was the feeble reply.
"Do you live in this house, too?"
"Yep."
"Shall I help you upstairs?"
"Yep."
The good Samaritan pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second floor, where this man also said he lived. He opened the same door and pushed him in.
As he reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third man, evidently worse off than either of the other two. He was about to approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the street and threw himself into the arms of a passing policeman.
"For Heaven's sake, off'cer," he gasped, "protect me from that man. He's done nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n throw me down th' elevator shaf."
3) Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs.—Abe Martin.
4) On a voyage across the ocean an Irishman died and was about to be buried at sea. His friend Mike was the chief mourner at the burial service, at the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvas preparatory to dropping it overboard. It is customary to place heavy shot with a body to insure its immediate sinking, but in this instance, nothing else being available, a large lump of coal was substituted. Mike's cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes, and he tearfully exclaimed,
"Oh, Pat, I knew you'd never get to heaven, but, begorry, I didn't think you'd have to furnish your own fuel."
5) There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of history, who has evidently profited by such observations as he may have overheard his father utter touching certain phases of British empire-building. At any rate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the opinion not infrequently expressed in regard to the righteousness of "British occupation." It was he who handed in the following essay on the making of a British colony:
"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. First she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a specially beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round him and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are shut, up goes the British flag."
6) SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER—"Willie, do you know what becomes of boys who use bad language when they're playing marbles?"
WILLIE—"Yes, miss. They grow up and play golf."
7) The fact that corporal punishment is discouraged in the public schools of Chicago is what led Bobby's teacher to address this note to the boy's mother:
DEAR MADAM:—I regret very much to have to tell you that your son, Robert, idles away his time, is disobedient, quarrelsome, and disturbs the pupils who are trying to study their lessons. He needs a good whipping and I strongly recommend that you give him one.
Yours truly,
Miss Blank.
To this Bobby's mother responded as follows:
Dear Miss Blanks—Lick him yourself. I ain't mad at him.
Yours truly,
Mrs. Dash.
8) "Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the government?"
"I might if I didn't know who controlled the government."—Life.
9) An express on the Long Island Railroad was tearing away at a wild and awe-inspiring rate of six miles an hour, when all of a sudden it stopped altogether. Most of the passengers did not notice the difference; but one of them happened to be somewhat anxious to reach his destination before old age claimed him for its own. He put his head through the window to find that the cause of the stop was a cow on the track. After a while they continued the journey for half an hour or so, and then—another stop.
"What's wrong now?" asked the impatient passenger of the conductor.
"A cow on the track."
"But I thought you drove it off."
"So we did," said the conductor, "but we caught up with it again."
10) Newspapers always excite curiosity. No one ever lays one down without a feeling of disappointment.—Charles Lamb.
So there you have it, ten jokes that I thought were pretty good that would make a room laugh if the teller had some talent in telling them. Not all would be acceptable for modern audiences, though -- number 4 would only be if told by an Irishman (and it would be) and number 5 is poisoned by the very idea of colonialism, unredeemed by the sneaky Brits being the butt of the joke. Oh, well -- life's funny that way. But riders on the LIRR will vouch to this day for number 9.
I know P.L. Woodstock, one of our correspondents on this blog, is a walking joke machine, so I trust he'll have some thoughts on the matter. But please feel free to weigh in with your own jokes, razzes, or whatever in comments.
